Love is the chain whereby to bind a child to its parents.” – Abraham Lincoln
Love is not just a luxury but a necessity for healthy development. Love is universal, spanning across time and cultures. Anthropologists have found evidence of romantic love in nearly every culture throughout history, suggesting that love is a fundamental, necessary human experience.
As a parent or primary caregiver, it is important to understand how love shapes a child, relating to how they perceive themselves over time, how they interact with others and how they engage with learning experiences across different contexts. A child who is loved has a foundation strong enough to withstand or survive obstacles, regardless of the storms they might face.
One might liken the influence of love to that of a strong and safe anchor, with powerful results:
- Love can change your brain chemistry by triggering the release of powerful neurochemicals such as oxytocin (the “bonding hormone”), which strengthens emotional connections and trust. It also releases dopamine, which creates feelings of pleasure and reward as well as serotonin, which helps regulate mood and emotional stability.
- Love boosts physical health, and numerous studies have shown that people in loving relationships have lower stress levels, reduced risk of heart disease and stronger immune systems. Physical touch, like hugging or holding hands, can lower blood pressure and reduce cortisol (the stress hormone).
- The brain reacts to love in ways similar to painkillers. Studies using MRI scans have found that looking at a picture of a loved one activates the same brain regions as opioid-based pain relief.
- Love can enhance learning and memory. Children who grow up in loving environments are therefore more likely to perform according to their cognitive potential. Love and affection from caregivers can enhance brain plasticity, helping children adapt and learn more effectively. A loving and supportive environment fosters curiosity and a willingness to learn. When children feel emotionally secure, they are more likely to take risks, ask questions and persist in the face of challenges. This is because love cultivates a “growth mindset” – the belief that abilities can improve with effort and perseverance.
When children do not have the anchor of love in their life and lack emotional security, many damaging ripple effects can be experienced. These children often develop a fear of failure, avoiding new experiences because they worry about making mistakes and not being confident enough about belonging, regardless of failure. This can stifle creativity, problem-solving skills and academic progress. Love, therefore, provides the confidence which children need to embrace challenges and develop resilience.
Love also plays a crucial role in shaping a child’s emotional intelligence. The ability to recognise, understand and manage emotions in ourselves and others gives us as humans the capacity to thrive. When children are nurtured in an environment where love is expressed through patience, encouragement, correction and active listening, they develop empathy and strong interpersonal skills.
These skills are essential for forming meaningful relationships, resolving conflicts and working collaboratively. Studies have shown that children who grow up in loving environments are more likely to develop positive social behaviours such as kindness, cooperation and emotional regulation. Caregivers who provide consistent affection, reassurance and clear, necessary boundaries with natural consequences, help children develop a secure attachment, which is linked to more confidence, academic performance and overall wellbeing.
How to be an anchor for your child
For many people, expressing their love to others does not come naturally, even if it is their biological children. This is influenced by their own upbringing, life experiences and personality styles. It can therefore be helpful to work on adding one new “skill” a month and consistently making it part of your interaction with your child. Here are some ways in which parents, educators and caregivers can foster love in a child’s life (and in their own):
- Affection even when they make mistakes. Hugs, kind words and physical closeness provide reassurance and security.
- Active listening by paying full attention to your child’s thoughts and feelings shows them they are valued and heard. This becomes increasingly hard when we do not have our own boundaries with regards to work and devices.
- Encouragement and support by noticing efforts rather than just responding to outcomes can help build confidence and the reassurance that they are not trophies but rather part of a team with a set of standards.
- Prioritising quality time by developing family traditions such as eating a specific meal together (Chicken Tuesdays) or having dates with a parent once a month.
- Setting boundaries with love. Discipline should be kind but firm. A boundary refers to what you, as the caregiver, are not willing to allow, so that your child does not behave in a self-destructive manner while adjusting to your unique value system.
Love is not just an abstract emotion; it is a powerful educational tool that influences brain development, learning potential and social skills. As parents, educators and caregivers, we have the profound responsibility and privilege of ensuring that love is at the heart of a child’s upbringing.
“Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be.” – David Bly.
Jana Vermeulen
Educational Psychologist